Comparison is the thief of joy

 

This past December I went back to my hometown for the first time in two years. Being home is always really nice, but talking with childhood friends brings up some uncomfortable feelings for me. I am 24 and in graduate school and I have friends that are more established in their careers, are also still in school, are funemployed.  I found myself comparing my life and my achievements to some of my friends and wanted to reflect on the experience with you all. 

I find myself most often jealous of my friends that seem more established in their careers and are making more money than me. I am in graduate school and as such my stipend is dictated by the university and my contract forbids outside jobs. My work is research in a lab and while I love it, I put in insane hours sometimes because at the end of the day my deliverables are research papers and if I don't produce then I can't graduate with my degree. I have friends that work more reasonable schedules, that can take real weekends off, and make 4-5 times the money I do and it's hard not to feel behind. A part of me is jealous because it truly seems easier to work a 9-5, resentful because graduate students are truly not paid living wages, and I also feel like I'm less successful because we live in a society that values money and high earners are just seen as more successful. 

But then I think of the flipside. I'm working on research that I find really interesting and I'm learning something about how the world works that no one else knows and that is really freaking cool! I also think that people view jobs differently. Some people prioritize income over the significance of the work, while others are more value driven and want to feel fulfilled by their work. I'm the latter and I need to be better about owning the fact that I probably won't ever make a lot of money and that is okay as long as I make enough to cover my needs. Some of my friends also moved home during the pandemic and live at home and while that is great, I have the opportunity to live by myself in a state I moved to without knowing another soul. This has let me really flex my independence and I have a confidence now that I don't think I would have if I hadn't been pushed so far outside my comfort zone. Is the Midwest the place that I want to live for the rest of my life? Probably not. Would I rather live back home in Hawaii? Hell yes. But life is about trade offs and I've gained much more from going to grad school far away. 

This was a long and rambley post, but I guess my takeaway is that talking to friends and really being faced with the reality that the people I went to high school with took different paths and are in vastly different places in life was triggering! But upon further reflection there is a lot of shadow work that I need to do on my perception of success. Success isn't just a high salary and living in a desirable location. Success can be having a job that feeds your soul and that you're passionate about, having a really healthy relationship and social life, having really epic adventures. I don't think I'm the only one that feels a little behind when comparing my life to others and I just wanted to remind you that comparison is the thief of joy. You are exactly where you are supposed to be and you are perfect as yourself in this moment. Life is a series of choices and if you're unhappy you can always make a different choice. Nothing is permanent, you are in control of your destiny, and you are powerful beyond words.